The 2 Story House

Today in my meditation, I saw an outline drawing of a 2 story house with a basement. We are meant to live on levels 1 and 2, with occasional trips into the basement… but we've gotta climb back out of there quickly or else we can get stuck down there.

 

The basement is where our trauma and sadness are deeply felt. We visit it when we go back into the past. This morning I had to move my ex-husband’s guitar off the couch so I could sit for meditation. I once took beautiful pictures of him with this guitar… out in a grassy field… the sunlight glinting off the frets. He was singing a love song he wrote to me.

 

Why is his guitar on my couch? My daughter is visiting me and he let her bring it. She’s been singing the most beautiful songs in French and Spanish and Ladino which is a blend of Hebrew and Spanish. She’s so brilliant and alive and interested in every culture. She loves languages and history and she teaches me so much. When she’s singing, I’m on the 2nd floor. But when I picked up that guitar this morning, I opened the door to the basement.

 

I could go all the way down if I let myself. I’m glad I have a roadblock in place. A roadblock is a tool I use to stop myself from going too far down the steps into the basement. Before I had a roadblock, I had panic attacks and worse. Each step down into the basement took me further from my own ability to right myself, to find peace. It took me further from balance, further from mental health. I have suffered deeply in the basement. I spent years of my life intentionally returning there over and over again. For me, going down into the basement is going into the past, looking at what used to be, and wondering what could have been… if he hadn’t ruined everything.

 

I feel my heart speeding up a little. I feel my insides tighten. I take a deep breath and shake off the thought, "He ruined everything." I have a new thought which I think intentionally every time the old thought shows up, "He set me free."

 

I set the guitar down in the corner of the room and remembered that he told our daughter to bring the guitar here so she could sing to me. He’s not a bad guy. He’s not my enemy. In fact, he is deeply sorry and only wants good things for me.

 

I sit for meditation and let my thoughts slow waaaay down. I’m letting my emotions rise… out of basement feelings and into 1st and even 2nd floor feelings.

 

I’m proud of myself for turning around. It could have gone either way, but I’ve been down in that basement so many times, I’m exhausted of the pain and struggle. I KNOW I don’t have to go down there. I know how to get out of there. I live most of my life on the 1st floor in contentment, with lovely, anticipated visits to the 2nd floor.