Ep. 8 Responsibility for Other People's Emotions
Do you find yourself taking responsibility for how other people are feeling? How comfortable are you when others are uncomfortable? This episode explores the opportunity we have to understand our own discomfort and what our people really need when they are suffering.
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SHOW TRANSCRIPT:
- 8
Responsibility for Other peopleās emotionsā¦
One of my clients told me this week that her biggest takeaway from our group program isā¦ she is learning that she isnāt responsible for other peopleās happiness.
Isnāt that remarkable?
Did you know that you arenāt in charge of other peopleās emotions?
And if the people around you arenāt happyā¦ itās actually NOT your job to MAKE THEM HAPPY?
Some of you out there already know thisā¦ but MOST of usā¦ especially my women listeners, do not realize that other peopleās emotions arenāt within our control.
This is one of the fundamental explorations we do in life coachingā¦ so I want to share this with you todayā¦ to give you a taste of the richness and depth of this work.
Depending on how old you are, you were very likely taught from a really young age that CAN and you DO make other people happyā¦ or sad, or proud, or disappointed, or anything.
We believe that we are the CAUSE of otherās emotions.
The generation that I grew up in taught women to be people pleasersā¦ and my generation is waking UP hunny. We are not interested in participating in this mindset any longerā¦ but the roots run deep. It can be VERY hard to recognize when the brain is operating out of old habits. Hereās a perfect example:
I was on the phone with my financial advisor this week and we were discussing how much $ Iād like to keep in cash and how much I want to invest.
(I know some of you are saying āDonāt invest right now, ARE YOU CRAZY?ā
But listen up friendsā¦ everything is on SALE!
These prices are as good as the markdowns on designer labels at TJ MAXX!)
Instead of really asking MYSELF what I most want to doā¦
I was trying to give the best answerā¦
assuming that my investor wanted me to invest the most.
As the call went on,
I could hear that what he actually wanted
was to help me to feel secure, and at easeā¦
NOT for me to invest the MOST I possibly could right now.
Later, I was thinking about the conversation,
and I saw how Iām still trying to PLEASE with my answers ā
Iām not asking MYSELF āwhat do I wantāā¦
Iām trying to give the answer I think the other person wantsā¦
even when the thing weāre making decisions about is MY money! Crazy!
His job would be SO much easier if I would just be straight and clear about what it is that I want. And I KNOW men donāt typically have this same problem.
Women trend toward pleasingā¦
and for a long timeā¦
the patriarchal system has wanted to keep it that way.
Think about how trained we are to tune into other peopleās emotionsā¦
to gauge where we stand with themā¦
to figure out if we are safe with themā¦
and ultimately,
depending on our relationshipā¦
how much we are trying to make them happy or keep them happy.
So, when my client began to notice that sheās starting to feel less responsible for other peopleās happinessā¦
thatās when I knew that magic is starting to happen!
The FIRST step to managing your mind is noticing what your brain likes to do.
Noticing the deep groves in your brain which are often habits of thoughtā¦
old patterns of thought that often arenāt even true.
we are shaking things loose -
we are starting to carve new grooves that are more intentional and will release her from the impossible job of keeping everyone happy all the time.
it IS an impossible job.
but from the youngest age, we were taught to put others first.
As daughters, mothers, spousesā¦ we have been givers and caregivers.
And we love our job.
We cherish our babies.
We WANT them to be happyā¦ WHY?
Because we feel good when they are happy.
We have been good daughters.
And we like it when our parents are happyā¦
we especially like it when they are happy with us
we received a lot of affirmation when we pleased our parents
We love our families and we love our lives.
And when someone in our lives is having a hard timeā¦ and it can be a tiny thingā¦ like chipped paint on a pedicureā¦ we swoop right on in with solutions.
āyou know you can go back and theyāll fix that for you.ā
āOh, you donāt have time? Well, do you know the paint color? I can go buy some for you.ā
OR it might be really big thingsā¦ like our kid is going through a break upā¦
or they just lost their jobā¦
or they got into a fender bender.
WE are SO uncomfortable when our kids are uncomfortable.
And it can feel like WE CANāT RESTā¦ until they feel better.
So, we try, really hardā¦ to distract them from their misery.
We want to take them shopping.
We want to make them their favorite meal.
We want them to talk to us, and we are searching our archives for just the right thing to say to ease their pain.
I remember once, my kid was going through a breakup and he was DEVASTATED.
I convinced him to go to a movie with me. This was not a good idea. The movie was no distraction from that level of pain. I felt even worse as he suffered through the 2 hours really not wanting to be there. What he wanted, and what he needed, was to be alone with his emotions in order to feel them and process them.
And this is SO HARD TO WATCH. We donāt want our people to experience negative emotionsā¦. everā¦ as if we have any control over this!
So, check in with yourself on thisā¦ how comfortable are you when your child is experiencing emotional pain? and if you donāt have childrenā¦ then think about a person you care deeply forā¦
If they are going through a breakupā¦ how much does that affect YOUR ability to be at peace?
If they are failing a classā¦ how much does that affect your life?
If they are addicted
if they are in debt
if they are being very lazy
if they are angry
if they are sick
if they are stuck in unhealthy relationshipsā¦
if they are not at peaceā¦ how responsible do you feel for that?
Itās SO difficult to find your own inner peace when your kids are sufferingā¦
Why?
Because we feel responsible for their sufferingā¦ and whatās moreā¦ we USUALLY believe itās our faultā¦ and THATāS the root of all of our suffering.
Letās linger on that for a moment.
We often feel that their emotions are our responsibilityā¦ because we believe that we are the reason they are in this mess in the first place.
We blame ourselves for their suffering.
We didnāt teach them well enough.
We didnāt prepare them.
We didnāt warn them.
We didnāt model good relationship fundamentals.
We didnāt give them enough responsibility as they were growing up.
We created these monsters.
And now we have to make up for it by rescuing them from the emotions that come with their human experience.
The REAL REAL REAL truth isā¦ every single human being on this planet is going to suffer every single possible emotion.
Themār just the facts, mam.
Weāve got a giant spectrum of emotions and we are going to feel them allā¦ multiple times in a life.
The more comfortable YOU become with feeling your feelings and processing emotions, the more comfortable you will be witnessing your people moving through the natural unfolding of their own lives. *Thatās why ALL the work always and only has to be done on the self.
the best gift you can ever give your kids is an invitation feel whatever it is they are feeling, and you sit with them and honor their experience.
In coaching, we call this āholding space.ā
You donāt have to DO anything.
you just have to be there.
And let me tell you what a RELIEF it is when you take this responsibility off your shoulders. One of my other clients says her family always tells her: ā youāre carrying the world!ā
you can put the world down.
You can relax.
You can take inventory of how YOU are doing todayā¦
You can stay in your lane.
You can think only about yourselfā¦
you can dreamā¦ and you can laugh
you can sing in your car and dance in your kitchen
you can take a walk and run your fingers along the leaves.
you can meet a friend for coffee or just have a little chat on the phone.
You can put a letter in the mail to your mom or your aunt or a friend who popped into your brain.
This world is a playground!
Find some joy in it todayā¦ whatever kind of JOY is YOUR kind of joy! Whatever lights YOU upā¦ whatever is FUN for you!
Finding Joy is like a scavenger huntā¦ each one of us has such unique and varied interestsā¦ our individual joys are particular to usā¦ and NOBODY gets to tell us what makes us happy. That is our individual liberty to decide.
You have the right to BE HAPPYā¦ and you have the right to BE SADā¦ and you have the right to feel aaaaalllll the emotions.
Your kids have that right too.
I know itās uncomfortable to see them sufferingā¦ but it is their RIGHT. and it is their processā¦ and itās important.
I remember reading something by Glennon Doyle once where she said to one of her children, āThis pain was meant for you, baby.ā
Thatās so beautiful.
It really honors the journey of another.
and when you say that to yourselfā¦ it honors YOUR journey.
itās big work, sunshine.
